Hedgehog Day

"What's this Hedgehog Day?" you ask. "Surely you mean Groundhog Day?"

No, today - February 2nd - is Hedgehog Day, no matter what furry little interloper has since taken over possession of the date. What we call Groundhog Day was first celebrated by the ancient Romans thousands of years ago as part of the festival of Februa, when they observed hedgehogs emerging from their burrows at night and returning if they saw their shadows under the clear moon that signaled six more weeks of winter. Germans borrowed the tradition along with other bits and pieces of Roman culture, though their hedgehogs' weather prediction skills depended on whether or not the creatures saw their shadows in the daytime.

When German settlers came to North America, they neglected to pack their trusty hedgehog weather stations, and were forced to use that most unfortunate garden-pest substitution - the groundhog. Unwilling to admit their mistake, Americans have continued to talk up the groundhog as the pinnacle of prognostication, but we know the truth - the hedgehog is the real thing.

Interestingly enough, Sega Genesis released video game favorite Sonic the Hedgehog 3 on this date, proclaiming it "Hedgehog Day" and reminding a new generation which mammal really deserves all the attention on this holiday.

National Be On-Purpose Month

January may be almost over, but it's not too late to celebrate the true meaning of this month - National Be On-Purpose Month, that is. I find this name unsettlingly vague - be what on purpose? how? and toward what purpose, exactly, are you supposed to be? By the time you're done answering all these questions, the time to be is no longer at hand, and you're left holding the bag - a bag full of old, useless purposes, that is.

All existential doubt aside, National Be On-Purpose Month was (surprise!) founded by the CEO of a company called On-Purpose Partners, which publishes books and supplies life coaches and motivational speakers to help you, too, be on-purpose. They even have a social network for all the on-purpose entities to get together and be. Something about all of this smacks of subliminal messaging, but maybe that's just me...

Shameless self-promotion tip #1: Why waste your time with dinky little "holidays" when you can take over a whole month? Take over the whole calendar! Now get out there and be - and make sure you do it on purpose!!

Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day

Tired of being bombarded with bogus "diet tricks" ads on every website you visit? Does that ubiquitous "5 tips for a flat belly" sidebar on Facebook make you want to tear your hair out? Today, January 19th, is Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day - let's make this nonsense history!

Part of the observance of Healthy Weight Week, Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day focuses on the dangers of diet pills and supplements. Last year, the diet drug Hydroxycut was singled out as a recipient of the "Slim Chance Award" for reports that it caused liver damage, kidney failure, and seizures. The Healthy Weight Network has been handing out these "awards" for over twenty years now - not that that has stopped diet drug manufacturers and other quacks from churning out millions of bogus diet products. Diet pills are sort of the cockroaches of the supplement world. An important tip to keep in mind: the only way you'll get skinny by using weight-loss pills without altering your diet and exercising more is if you spend so much money on them you can't buy food.

Rubber Duckie Day

Tomorrow, January 13th, is a life-changing, momentous holiday - Rubber Duckie Day. If you are in doubt of the power of the rubber duckie, simply listen to its theme song once and I can guarantee you will not be able to get it out of your head, perhaps for the rest of your life. Why does such a common bath toy have such a hold on the American psyche? Is it that addictive squeak? The world may never know.

Weirdly enough, the Rubber Duckie Song actually made the Billboard hits chart in 1970, the year it appeared on Sesame Street. While it didn't hit #1, it did make an impressive showing at #16. January 13th is supposed to be Ernie Duck's birthday, hence the holiday. If you need to know more about rubber ducks for any reason, this site has an interesting FAQ.

World Hypnotism Day

World Hypnotism Day was actually yesterday, January 4th, but don't let that stop you. Stare deep into the image above, and slowly repeat after me: "I will do whatever Zany Holidays tells me to do..."

Actually, World Hypnotism Day isn't about learning how to hypnotize others, but rather about learning how to stop your "self-limiting beliefs" from...limiting yourself? Professional hypnotists aren't very clear on this point, as they usually want you to fork over a ton of money before they share their "secrets." The official website of World Hypnotism Day offers lists of special "free and low-cost" events being held around the world to celebrate, but we recommend leaving your wallets at home if you attend any of these, and leaving if they start swinging any pocket watches in your face.

It's About Time Week

It's about time you realized we're in the middle of It's About Time Week, which started on the 25th and continues until December 31st!

What, exactly, is it about time for? Well, it's almost time to discard your 2009 calendar, which is certainly a cause for celebration...Time to make plans for New Year's Eve? Time to stare at the clock on your wall and contemplate the meaning of time itself? Time to get really, really confused about the meaning of this holiday? You be the judge, I guess.

Festivus

Tomorrow, December 23rd, is Festivus! In the great tradition of made-up holidays, this one originated with the sitcom Seinfeld twelve years ago. Festivus is a secular mash-up of winter holiday traditions, meant to avoid the crass commercialism and pressure that have come to surround Christmas and Hanukkah.

Festivus is celebrated with a communal meal, much like the other winter holidays, though this one is punctuated by such amusing rituals as the "Airing of Grievances," in which diners discuss the various ways each one has been disappointed by the others in the course of the year. There are also "feats of strength" involved, such as wrestling the host with the end goal of concluding the holiday. Best of all, Christmas carols are mercifully absent.

In the noble utilitarian spirit of Festivus, there are no ornament-laden trees to get in the way - merely an unadorned aluminum "Festivus pole." By two days before Christmas, when everyone is burnt out from the supposedly merry season and ready to chuck the tree out the window rather than continue dealing with the stress of family and holiday gifts, a sarcastic holiday like this is totally necessary. Thanks, television! You've actually given us something useful!